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Issue 30

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JBC Contract

Way to go America

Laziness the true American dream...

Our thoughts exactly... We know we're lazy and we apologize. Anyway I've recently got four applications in my email a few days. I think its great that you people want to join this terrible... I mean great organization. Make sure when you send in your sample articles that all names are spelled right. If you mispell Kevin or Rolf then we won't even read it because its getting to a point where we're receiving these applications everyday. So just do a simple spell check to correct these errors. Well here's issue 30.

Editor's Pick

A Day in the Life of Jonathan

It Gonna Rain!

This week I decided to show you just how hard it is to get into my office. I recently just cut Jonathan's pay and obviously he wants to see me to ask why. Well right now he's on the bottom floor of the JBC and of course I'm on the third story. For those of you who are brain dead... I mean not paying attention the JBC recently came into some wealth thanks to some huge government grant... You got to love America. Anyway here is a typical day in the life of Jonathan as seen from the JBC's three hundred security cameras.
 
Jonathan starts his day by heading to the elevator. He tells the computer "Third floor please." The computer then replies... "Any firearms, police officers, or any explosives?" Now Jonathan just sat there for awhile and simply said "No." At this point the computer sounded an alarm which shot Jonathan out of the elevator. He landed in front of the employee of the month wall. He glanced up there and questionably asked "Why is my picture being covered by a plant?" Anyway he observed Dr. Eric coming back from his so called hour lunch break which lasted a total of two hours and thirty two minutes. He watched as Dr. Eric requested the third floor. Jonathan watched with glee at the thought of Dr. Eric being thrown onto his face. Dr. Eric emptied his pockets which contained a taser and a laser pen. "How did those get their?" He said. The computer granted him clearance and he went to the third floor. Jonathan looked astounded as Dr. Eric went up the elevator in one piece. At this point Jonathan walked over to the stairs as I switched security monitors.
        Jonathan began climbing the stairs when one of my robo-guards came floating down. (Yes they can float now) The guard stopped him and asked for clearance codes.
"Clearance Codes! I forgot mine!" Yelled Jonathan. The Robo-Guard pulled out a taser and shocked Jonathan for a good two minutes. Jonathan crawled to the second floor and decided to try the elevator again. He walked throught he cafeteria where a group of Robo-Guards were dealing a few kids who always steal from the buffet cart. A group of school childeren from Peach Creek Elementary school were taking a tour of the cafeteria. Knowing Jon I knew he couldn't resist to give them autographs. The kids began running towards but instead of going to him they followed Dr. Eric to the elevator. Jonathan made his way through the crowd of small people and approached Dr. Eric.
"Hey Eric can I get a ride in that elevator?" Asked Jon.
"Um... Sure I guess." Said Eric.
"Oh yeah hey Eric..." Said Jon looking at Eric questionably.
"Yeah." Said Eric.
"Why are you in this article?" Asked Jon.
"I'm in everyones articles." Said Eric with a smile on his face.
They both boarded the elevator and proceeded to the third floor. They both waited as the elevator was reaching the third floor. All of a sudden an explosion was heard as the door opened. I myself heard the explosion as well and switched security cameras on the first floor. What this is impossible!... The Kankers are back!?...
 
To be continued...
 
~Justin
(JBC Staff Editor)

Random Thoughts From the Culde-sac

Nuclear Fiasco?

Weapons of Mass Destruction

It has recently been brought to my attention that the Eds appear to be constructing a nuclear reactor! I was so astonished by this tip that I had to go to the cul-de-sac myself to check out what exactly was going on.



Upon arriving I immediately noticed a large structure in Edd's yard that was shielded from eyes by a curtain. I quickly walked up to the curtain and drew it aside. I gasped in horror. Directly in front of me was an enormous concrete bunker that could only contain one thing, uranium-235! For those who don't know, uranium-235, or enriched uranium is the type used in nuclear reactions. Uranium-238, by far the most common isotope of uranium mostly gets in the way. The first question that popped into my mind was where the Eds were getting the amount of uranium necessary to power a reactor. Luckily for me, a door had just opened and Double D stepped out. I rushed over and asked the obvious question. "What the heck do you think you're doing?"



"We are building a nuclear reactor in order to supply the kids of the cul-de-sac with a safe, friendly energy" alternative,Double D answered, holding up a pamphlet.



Brushing the pamphlet aside I stated the obvious, "building a nuclear reactor takes professionals, not a bunch of kids."



"We are fully aware of the complications involved in constructing this reactor. I assure you that we have fully gone over our plans and accurately planned for any potential disaster."



At that moment Ed walked by with a lead container with a nuclear hazard symbol on it, tripped on a rock, and barely managed to right himself.



I grimaced and pleaded with Double D to come to his senses, asking what use the kids had for nuclear power.



"We have found that the energy needs of the kids of the cul-de-sac is exponentially increasing due to the increase in the amount of electronic items, such as computers, rc cars, and electric toothbrushes. This increase in demand must be met with an increase of available power." Double D stated confidently.

"But where are you getting the uranium?" I asked, incredulous of what was going on.



"I'm sorry but that information is confidential. Now if you'll excuse me, I have other business to attend to. Good day."And with that he turned and walked back into the bunker, locking me out.



Is Peach Creek in eminent danger from a nuclear disaster? Find out next issue as I force my way into the bunker to find out!

~Dr Eric
(JBC Physician)

Sports Ed

No Sports...Hmmm

Mom was wrong men do amount to dirt

This week since my arm is broken along with countless other things (spine, toenail, ruptured my marinara sauce) and I can't take this computer out to do sports so he wants me to do a report to continue his article of the Kanker Invasion from a first person view of the vicious attack, although (I didn't see what they did to me most of the time as I concentrating on escaping).



I started wondering what the explosion could be. Did Eddy have Edd make him fireworks for a new scam? Did the free food in the cafeteria come in contact with a microwave (that stuff I would never eat, I'd rather feed my own arm whilst it's attached)? Who shot J.R.? The answers to all those and many more made begging the soda machine to give me a soda is no.



The Kankers had busted down the doors and the scraps of the huge metal door set of the land mine someone keeps putting right by my JBC locker, which is really just the space between the 20 empty locker's after the rest of the staff's and the wall (why won't anyone give me the combination to one?). It took me some time, but after I realized what the sound was I thought of the joy of seeing some other unlucky sucker, maybe fall a victim to his own antics.



Then Justin came in over the speakers, "Code Orange, Yellow, and Blue."



It was right after the announcement that Eric shoved me out of the elevator saying "You're the heaviest of the least important and will slow down the elevator, even if you don't, you'll slow down me getting out on the top floor!" and with that the elevator was gone.



Since the elevator was gone I decided to take the stairs, unfortunately I'd forgot it was code orange yellow blue and everything was electrified, spikes stuck up and down making a closed wall, and they only popped up through the floor a second after you stepped up. Of course this is avoidable for the first flight of them but you run out of breath after a while.



Being battered and stuck onto a spike from the roof I thought I had a good hiding spot from the Kankers. However they came up the stairs just as I'd hoped they wouldn't and they walked right by me at first, no spikes or even spark of electricity. Then as it was my luck I fell off of the spike landing with a thud to be electrocuted and then being to the Kankers who proceeded to beat me up and through me around like a football. Then they balled me up and rolled me down the stairs, giving me a bowling ball roll rather then just a regular toss.



By now (whenever I woke up on the ground floor) I decided to use the elevator shaft. By climbing up the rope I was able to reach the second floor. From there I took the fire escape up to the third floor, where I made my way past the guards by dressing as a vacuum cleaner. Then I got to Justin's Office door.



Justin said "I'm not gonna let you in Dr. Eric, stop trying to get me to buy your miracle cream that only has one minor side effect that you won't reveal!" Which shocked me, that Dr. Eric would call something like swollen eyelids a minor side effect.



I told him it was me and he said I'd have bust the door down, so I went to the roof, high jacked the JBC helicopter, went through a drive through, sliced some oranges, then used it's anti kanker defense missile to bust down the door (don't worry folks, it's no stronger then Double D's jawbreaker vapor barrier bomb.)



However I hit the guards instead, just seconds before the Kanker Sisters entered. I tried to fly away but the Kanker's were holding the chopper down, so I had only one thing to do... jump out the window and free fall to the ground below. Too bad I forgot about the ditch dug 20 feet deep on that side of the JBC for no reason that's never been mentioned before and fell down to the bottom. This now leaving me with another 20 feet to climb, I almost gave up. Then I remembered that if the Kanker's destroy the JBC then the chances of them getting enough money to rebuild everything again are slim, which would put me out of Jawbreaker money. So I decided, with all my broken bones, to be continued....

~Jonathan
(JBC Sports Writer)

Freelance Article

Did KingTuckUrShirtIn Exist?

I told you I thought they were free...

Earlier this week, the Eds were digging for their latest scam, (and hoping to find some burried cash). No cash, but they stumbled upon a tomb. We think it to be from King Tuckyershirtin, but could he exist?
Edd said, "In all of history, no one could have been named Tuckyershirtin. It was merely for a scam to get Jawbreaker money. Such a tomb is pure myth. He would never exsist, especially in this area!"
But, Ed and I think he's wrong and told him to shut up. Inside the tomb, we found treasures from King Tuckyershirtin's empire. Could this be? Does he truly exist? How long have I been talking to myself? With the evidence pointing in all directions, that no one cared about, everyone was still amazed at the find. Edd is examining them in his room and we've heard he's even expanded research to his basement lab.
As for the museum scam, many have pitched in. Jimmy is doing artistic restoration for the museum scam with a King Tuckyershirtin exibit. But I fear it was all for naught... Upon Edd's investigation he discovered the treasures were just gold painted vases and jewelry and the tomb was nothing but cardboard painted up.
When the person responsible was demanded to step forward Kevin stood out and made the following claim "I can't believe you fell for that! These losers get dorkier everyday. Ha ha ha ha!"

~Blake
(JBC Freelance Writer)

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