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PEACH CREEK HEALTH NEWS
By: Dr. Eric PHD
Obituaries
Today, the lately departed Mr. and Mrs. Plank were laid to rest. The late parents of Plank, they passed away while on
a tour of Peach Creek. Feeling stiff as a board, they were unable to duck in time to avoid being cut down.
Mr. and Mrs. Plank were axed out from the strongest tree in the Redwood forest. Though they forever called it home, the
couple decided to dig themselves up and move to Kentucky where the couple soon took root. Mr. Plank got himself a job as a
back-scratcher, while Mrs. Plank worked as an agronomist. Soon after settling down, little Plank was sprouted. The couple
was overjoyed with their sapling and kept him well watered and tanned. Before long, however, it was time for Plank to move
on. Leafing his family behind, Plank took off and moved to Peach Creek. Once there he met Johnny 2X4 and the two became fast
friends. The rest, as it were, is history.
Among those gathered at the funeral were Plank, Johnny, Stumpy (Plank's granddad), and a variety of sub-contractors. Though
all present felt a deep sense of remorse, Plank took the death the hardest. His heart was so splintered and full of paper
cuts that all attempts to communicate with him left those around him feeling as if they were talking to a block of wood.
Before the couple was cremated in Johnny's fireplace, Johnny delivered a stirring eulogy.
"They here fine folks, who were cut down in their prime," Johnny exclaimed, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"I just can't believe they're gone. It's like I always said...ooohh."
The funeral came to an abrupt end as Johnny spotted a discarded piece of paper and picked it up. Promptly naming it Spunky,
he exclaimed to everyone that he now had a new friend.
Disgusted by this lack of respect, Plank stormed off leaving Johnny prancing around like a unicorn. It is hard to tell
if Plank and Johnny will make up soon, but right now there relationship is paper-thin and liable to snap at any moment.
Eric -JBC Reporter-
Behind The Ed
Ed's Objects Of Desire
Lately I have wondered why Ed likes the things he does. So I decided to try to get an interview with Ed myself.
Luckily I was able to catch him as he was leaving Eddy's house.
Emily: Ed can I get a minute with you?
Ed: Um... ok!
Emily: Great, Ed first off why do you enjoy such weird objects.
Ed: What do you mean?
Emily: Like chickens for instance.
Ed: Chicken where?! Pet the chicken! Pet the chicken!
Emily: Ed there is no chickens.
Ed: Ok
Emily: So why do you like them?
Ed: Because chickens are so cuddly and so soft like mash potatos... yum.
Emily: Ok? So why do you like buttered toast and gravy?
Ed: I don't know maybe because they are not just food but a way of life.
Emily: How are they a way of life?
Ed: I don't know they just are!
Emily: Ok sorry Ed. Next question.
Emily: Why don't you clean your room?
Ed: Cleaning room bad for Ed!
I was unable to go on with the interview because Ed ran off after that last question screaming. You may think
Ed is a little weird but deep down inside of us all there is a little bit of Ed.
~Emily~
(JBC Behind The Ed Specialist)
Business ED
The Ed's new club house project fell through last week after a Kanker invasion. The club house has been completely
destroyed and all profits have gone missing. The Eds are completely confused on how this unfortunate event happened. Edd:
" I'm completely shocked to why they did this. We never bothered them."
The Eds have no intention to rebuild the club house because they know it will just happen again. Eddy decided
just to go back to regular scams again. But, the Kankers are sure to ruin those plans as well. The Eds still push forward
in life which makes them perfect for the business section.
~Justin~
(JBC Business Correspondent)
Edd's Advice Column
Have questions? Well Im here to
answer them. I hope you find my advice helpful. Well lets get started shall we?
Dear Edd, I think my friends are
making fun of me behind my back. What Should I do?
--Chris N.
Edd: Dear Chris, if your friends are making fun
of you behind your back, then they're not really your friends. Heres some ideas to catch them in the act.
Ask them whats up. If they dont tell you, then try to catch
them in the act. Video tape it or something. I wouldn't use flash photograhpy, as that might draw attention to you. Ask a
good friend to keep an eye on them. If they really are making fun of you, then dump them. Find friends who will love you no
matter what.
~Edd~
Ed-vertisements
Eddy's Weight Loss Program
"If you've got fat Eddy's work out can get rid of that"
We guarantee results after the first day of work out!
work
out session -25 cents
refreshments -25 cents
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extra service - 25 cents
Affiliates
JBC 2005
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The
Jawbreaker Chronicleİ 2002-2006 All Articles are the original ideas of the staff
members of the site. The creator isn't liable for any content taken by staff members. Please don't take our articles. If you
would like to use one please email the Editor.
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