Best Business Eds
Eddy Could Have Sold For Millions On Ebay
After last week's incident a poll was taken on Ebay where Eddy was supposed to be sold. After many hours
of going through all of the bids it was calculated that Eddy could have been sold for over 12,000,000 dollars! A total of
500,000 fans bidded on Eddy for two days before he was rescued by authorities. Eddy was quoted saying this after he heard
how much he could have been sold for. "What!? Why didn't you just let me be sold? I could have been rich!" Eddy was quite
pleased to be rescued and happy that he wasn't sold for millions of dollars. The criminals are being sentenced to three years
in prison for kidnapping. A new charge has come up called attempting to auction which requires one year in prison. Eddy was
worth millions to his fans but yet he doesn't have a dollar to his name.
(JBC Business Major)
Rag Tag Hand Puppets?
Well finally it seems that EdCo is actually selling something. Yes who ever thought it possible that such
an event would ever occur in business history. Now you can't even walk down the streets without seeing a Double-D hand puppet
on everyone's hand. "So how did this fad get started anyway?" That's the question on every Peach Creek citizen's mind. Well
a while back Double-D left Ed and Eddy to tend to a natural function. Or as we like to call it...going to the bathroom. Out
of nowhere Ed creates this badly created sock puppet. That's where the demand started. Ed's home was flooded with calls about
how the customer could recieve this precious self image of that timid casanova...Double-D. Well hearing of this success Eddy
came up with an idea for having EdCo sell this product since there was such a high demand for it. Hundreds of badly sewn sock
puppets were made and everyone of them has been sold. When asked about how Double-D felt about having a rag tag hand puppet
created just for him he had this to say. "Honestly I'm flattered and a bit disturbed...but mostly flattered." Each puppet
costs no more than five cents to make but they're selling for over five dollars generating a huge profit. So far everyone
is sold out and new ones are being made as I speak. They're scheduled to be auctioned off on Ed-Bay next week. So it
just goes to show you that in the world of business you never know who will be pulling the strings next.
Best Peach Creek Medical Journals
According to the most recent publication of Sugar Haters Anonymous, a recent study has found jawbreakers
and other sweet substances to be the cause of a host of dental problems. Blamed for problems ranging from gingivitis to tooth
loss, Sugar Haters Anonymous decided to take action.
It had been a peaceful day in Peachcreek. Johnny was running around
with Plank, naked as always, Jimmy had been painting a picture of a flower, and for once one of Eddys scam had actually succeeded.
By pretending Eds room was a swamp, Eddy was able to give tours and charge 50 cents per person. Thrilled by the opportunity
of seeing a swamp land, the whole neighborhood flocked in and Eddy came out loaded.
The Eds rushed down to the candy store, clutching their hard earned
money and drooling from anticipation of large, sugary jawbreakers. Running towards the candy store, the Eds were suddenly
stopped by a large crowd of protestors gathered around the candy store. It seemed that Sugar Haters Anonymous had finally
decided to take action. By blocking off entrance and exit to the candy store Sugar Haters Anonymous planned to keep kids from
buying candy. This way no kids can rot their teeth anymore, one of the protesters commented about the situation.
"This bites," Eddy said when asked what he thought about
the situation. "What am I going to do with this cash now?"
"Oh, Ive seen this in a movie before," Ed said when asked if he thought the situation would be resolved any time
soon. "The evil vampires from space sucked the blood out of their victims with unrelenting furry.
Confused, we turned to Double D for elaboration. "I really think that this is an excellent example of what people can
accomplish when they band together. I do, however, find it rather disheartening that they had to protest jawbreakers."
As of now, it is anyones guess as to when the protest will end. All we know for sure now is that Eddy will have to
find something else to do with the money that is burning a whole in his pocket.
~Dr. Eric PHD~
Peach Creek Medical News
Jawbreaker Boycott Continues
Two weeks ago in the Jawbreaker Chronicle, we reported that Sugar Haters Anonymous blocked off the entrance to
the candy store with their protest denying the Eds their right to jawbreakers (see Issue 12 for more info). Today it seems,
Sugar Haters Anonymous has filed a class action lawsuit against candy companies across Peach Creek, suing to have jawbreaker
manufacturing halted entirely.
"What these candy companies are doing is a disgrace!" I.M. Bitter, leader of Sugar Haters Anonymous said at a press
conference this morning. "They are shipping out a product which they know causes mass amount of dental damage and worst of
all costs millions of dollars annually to resolve. By allowing the shipment of this product we are permitting candy companies
to reap rewards that they are not entitled too. It is because of this that we have no other choice but to get this extremely
hazardous product removed from the shelves and out of our childrens mouths!"
Backed by the wealthy members of society who have nothing better to do, Sugar Haters Anonymous hopes for a quick victory
over the candy companies.
Standing with the candy companies are the children of Peach Creek and most notably Ed, Edd, and Eddy.
When asked if they felt threatened by their
opposition, Edd had this to say. "We are simply exercising our right of freedom of speech. The candy companies have done no
wrong, they have simply released a product which when left unchecked can cause minor problems. Quite frankly, I fail to see
how Sugar Haters Anonymous managed to bring this to court. I am quite confident that once the judge reviews the case he will
see things our way."
With both sides confident that they are assured
victory, the only thing we can do is sit and watch. The trial, which takes place next week will not only determine the fate
of jawbreakers, but will also determine the happiness of children across Peach Creek.
~Dr. Eric PHD~
Winning Story For JBC Fan's Choice Awards
Ed Spots Aliens?
here at the Culde-sac where residents are outside trying to find out what the commotion is about. After questioning
several of them we have finally discovered what has happened. According to Jonny, Ed has claimed to have spotted a UFO and
even several aliens! “Jonny, can you tell us again what happened?”
I can. It started just a while ago, it was getting dark and Plank and I had to go in for dinner. Just as we were going
to go inside Ed comes running down the street screaming that he had seen aliens near the woods! Plank says that aliens
love to hide in dark creepy places in the day, and then they come out at night and try to eat your brains. So now we
are running around warning everyone of the invasion.” After we spoke to Jonny we went searching for the alien
spotter himself… Ed. Ed, Edd, and Eddy were in Eddy's bedroom where Ed was hiding under Eddy's bed. After prying
him out we finally got a chance to speak with the alien spotter “So Ed, what did you see while you were walking
near the woods?”
“Well, I was walking home, so that
my mom and dad would not get mad, when I saw something in the trees. I heard a strange sound, and when I turned around
to see what it was I saw the aliens! They had red glowing eyes, razor sharp claws, and had scales all over their bodies! So
I ran as fast as I could trying to get away from the horrible creatures! I was almost out, and I could see my house,
when all of the sudden a giant alien space ship came out from behind my house! So I ran down to Eddy's and hid under his bed.”
story Ed I'm sure whatever these things are they will be discovered. Thank you for coming out to speak to me.”
The aliens were not spotted afterwards, but there have been complaints of noises from the woods. If anything should
happen the residents have been asked to inform us immediately.
Best Behind the Ed
Behind The Ed
Itseems that Eddy likes only two things, jawbreakers and money. Not matter what happens to
him he willalways try to get them no matter the cost. So I decided to ask Eddy himself about it.
Emily: Hey Eddy, mind
if I interview you?
Eddy: Hey hey! Sure, but it'll cost you 25 cents.
Emily: Yeah whatever, anyways I've noticed you
have an extreame obsession with money and candy.
Eddy: Yeah what's your point?
Emily: Well why are you obsessed with
Eddy: Well it's money, and money can be used to buy jawbreakers.
Emily: Well why jawbreakers? isn't there anything
else you like?
Eddy: Are you kidding? jawbreakers are the best there is! Theres no other candy worthbuying.
I'm getting paid for this right?
Emily: What's your main way of receiving money?
Eddy: Scams of course! Me Double D
and Ed scam all the kids in the Culde-sac.
Emily: I'm guessing you don't do very well?
Eddy: It's not the scams! It's
Jonny! He and Plank always ruin my best scams!
Emily: Oh yes, I've heard about that. How does he ruin them?
Right when I'm about to get paid they show up and destroy it.
Emily: I see.
Eddy: So when exactly are you paying me?
Emily: Well that's all for the interview, thanks Eddy. Goodbye!
Eddy: Hey! What about my cash!
Well that was
all for the interview. I would have asked more questions, but Eddy wouldn't do it without pay.
(JBC Reporter for Behind The Ed)
Best Gossip Columns
You've probably heard about the happy relationship of Lynn and Eddy which is basically old news. It looks like Edd has found someone too. A girl named Aria. From what I know they have been going
out for a month now, and everything seems perfect. Besides Double-D's sudden twitches everything seems to be going great.
And not to mention they make a cute couple. The only problem that may occur is Double-D is a little
short on money because Eddy is taking all of the credit for the Ed-Bay idea. But none the less they seem extremely happy together.
Ed however is still single but he doesn't seem to care, as long as he can chase Rolf's chickens he's happy as a clam.
That's all the gossip for now!
~JBC Gossip Reporter~
As all of you know Kevin really loves his bike, but lately he's been getting made fun of because they
think he may love his bike TOO much. I was even lucky to catch some of the rude insults from a few selected people.
Lynn: He seems to love that bike enough to marry it o.O
Ed: is the bike a girl?
Eddy: heh i bet he will marry that stupid bike!
Sarah: Kevin and his bike sitting in a tree!
Justin: He definitely hangs around his bike too much.
Most people agree with these comments because well....they're true. Since we last talked to Kevin he's added
about twenty-five different parts to his bike. He's changed the bike's paint job about five times and has even adjusted the
breaks more than I count. Edd has even taken some pictures of Kevin and his bike doing the usual things that they do everyday.
Kevin wouldn't let us get a quote from him but it is quite obvious that he truly likes his bike a little too much.
(JBC Topstory Writer)
Best Freelance Article
Is the Cursed phone Really cursed?
(A long article but very good)
NOTE: As a member of the JBC and with the fact that I've been asleep for all the meetings, I've noticed I don't
have an office there, not that I'm not happy I haven't been forced to live in that insanely massive nuthouse, I mean
office. I have chosen to try and redeem myself by writing more articles. So this is the first of a few articles I'll write
to try and keep from getting thrown in that padded room in the office I call the closet, that Dr. Eric puts me in "for
the sake of mankind."
I woke up yesterday, and decided to try and find out about this cursed phone that I've heard rumors about.
I started my search with Eddy (who was in casts and bandages) and I approached him on this topic.
"Eddy, could you direct me to this cursed phone you have?" I inquired.
"NO! KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!" was the answer I'd received from a rampaging pain inflicting Eddy.
As I was under attack I noticed Edd in the doorway waving me over, I managed to get out but I needed a while
for the stars to go away. After I'd recovered I began to question Edd.
"Do you have any clue where this phone is?" I'd asked him.
Edd replied with "The last record I know of is when Eddy gave it to Johny."
With the info I received I headed off to the woods where I predicted Johny would be stuck in a tree, when I
found the right tree I got him down for him to answer my questions.
"Jonny, where is the phone Eddy gave you?" I asked tiredly from a large lack of caffeine.
"In my room! And thanks for getting me down!" He replied gleefully.
"Can I have the phone?"
"Plank says, nope, it'll cost you a quarter!"
I dug in my pockets and pulled out a bottle cap, I offered it to him and he accepted. Now that I had the phone
I had a plan, and 2 colors of spray-paint.
It started by me not answering the phone and just working on it, by the time I was done the phone was no longer
gold and purple it was now black and red. I took the phone to Edd.
"Do ya want this phone Double D?" I asked hoping he'd accept.
"Perhaps. It does seem oddly familiar..." He answered while observing it.
"Never mind that! Why not take it apart, to learn! To experiment!" I said with a loud voice and my fingers crossed.
"OH HAPPY DAY!" Edd yelled ecstatically while taking the phone up to his room.
"Be careful now, there's a rumor that local phones have been cursed..." I said to him before he closed his door,
he chuckled a bit, then went to his room which I decided to observe to find out if the curse was lifted from Eddy, and if
it had been placed on Edd.
The first two hours was boring, he mainly took it apart, all that stuff, I missed dinner to watch this
so that meant I'd gone too far to turn back now.
In the third hour he began to put it back together, and it wasn't long before it rang. When I looked to see
what happened when he answered, the legs of his chair broke. Then it rang again, Edd looking very surprised shocked,
and scared answered it and a planet from his universe mobile fell onto his head, followed by all the rest. I'd already confirmed
the curse was real, but I was enjoying the show. When it rang again, Edd still convinced it was coincidence picked it up and
his ant farm burst releasing every one of his ants across the room.
By now I'd turned on my video camera to record the following few "unfortunate coincidences" to show Eddy. After
showing Eddy I went home reheated and ate my dinner, and drank many caffeine drinks. Needless to say I couldn't sleep, so
I made a steak out of Edd's house for odd late-night activity. Not too soon afterwards I saw Edd leaving his house going to
the middle of the cul-de-sac, after laughing at his attempts to open the sewer; he just dropped the phone on top and left
it there. I still couldn't sleep so I watched the phone until I saw Kevin riding his bike; he picked up the phone and took
it home. I saw many things happen to him then.
In conclusion of my report I believe the phone is cursed and that Edd secretly believes it too.
(JBC Freelance Reporter)
Snuggle Me Ed
He's soft and cuddly and does your chores
even makes an excellent throw rug
only 25 cents an hour
guaranteed to make you happy or your money back
Warning may be stinky, do spray with deororizer
This is a great opportunity to own Ed for as long as you like. Please call us at 555-9645
Eddy's Weightloss Clinic
"If you've got fat Eddy's work out can get rid of that"
We guarantee results after the first day of work out!
out session -25 cents
refreshments -25 cents
towels - 25 cents
extra service - 25 cents
We hope that you have enjoyed the first 20 issues of the JBC. We definitely plan on making more so come
back to see issue 21 very soon!
|"I'm Ed and I approve the JBC"
The JBC is not affiliated to Cartoon Network or A.K.A. Studios in any way. The JBC is a non profit site and is only mantained
for sheer entertainment. No infringement is intended.
Jawbreaker Chronicleİ 2002-2006 All Articles are the original ideas of the staff
members of the site. The creator isn't liable for any content taken by staff members. Please don't take our articles. If you
would like to use one please email the Editor.