I recently had time to sit down and talk with both candidates. Having been handed questions pre-selected by the JBC, I decided to do the right thing i.e. chuck them and make up my own questions.

Me: I'd like to thank both of you for being here and taking time off the campaign trail.

Eddy: No problem! (grinning) I always have time for my loyal voters' questions.

Plank: (silence)

Me: Alright then. Before we get started, I'd like to explain the ground rules of this debate. Both of you will be asked a series of questions. Whoever I ask the question to will have five seconds to respond. The other candidate will then have a two second rebuttal. Any infraction or disregard in the rule will result in whatever punishment I feel like at the time. Are we clear?

Eddy: Sure

Plank: (silence)

Me: Okay. Through a coin toss we have decided that Eddy will have the first question. What do you think should be done about the Kanker threat?

Eddy: K-k-k-ankers... (looking around) Where!?!!?!

Me: And your time is up. Plank, would you care to make a rebuttal?

Plank: (silence)

Me: Excellent. Okay, the next question is for Plank. Many people have complained about the lack of transportation to and from the candy store. What would you do to solve this problem?

Plank: (silence)

Me: A rebuttal Eddy?

Eddy: The kids in the neighbor--

Me: I'm sorry Eddy, but your time is up. Next question, If elected King, what would you do to improve the economic situation of the cul-de-sac.

Eddy: That's easy. I'd set up scam--I mean businesses to bring a source of money into the neighborhood.

Me: Plank?
Plank: (silence)

Me: Very good. The next "question" is a situation. Evil Tim has invaded the cul-de-sac and is destroying everything, what do you do?

Plank: (silence)

Me: Eddy?

Eddy: Obviously the only thing--

Me: Times up! In light of the Kanker Invasion of the JBC last week, what do you plan to do to prevent another attack? You have five seconds Eddy.

Eddy: But you already asked this question!

Me: Did I ask for your opinion?

Eddy: No but--

Me: You're time is up Eddy. For disregarding the rules laid out on the contract you signed earlier, you will only have one second to make a rebuttal.

Eddy: But--

Me: Enough! If you would be so kind as to SHUT UP then maybe we can continue this debate. A-hem. Alright Plank, if elected what would you do to help those less fortunate in the cul-de-sac.

Plank: (silence)

Me: Eddy?

Eddy: Less fortune--

Me: Next question. Eddy, recently the vast majority of the kids in the neighborhood complained about an enormous amount of scams by a certain group of people. What will you do to combat these immoral activities?

Eddy: Me...I...umm...you see...

Me: Plank, a rebuttal?

Plank: (silence)

Me: Alright this is it, the final question. Plank you have one minute to answer. Eddy you have five seconds. What will you do, if elected, to elicit more community involvement and bonding? Plank?

Plank: (silence)

Me: Eddy?

Eddy: Jimmy submitted that question didn't he. I'll get that--

Me: And so ends the debate. I'd like to thank you both for being here and I wish both of you luck in the upcoming election. I'd like to remind you both that there will be another debate shortly, whose date will be announced soon.